A Shot of Firewhiskey
by BeverlyAnna
Summary: When James asks Lily to explain why exactly she won't date him, she isn't prepared to answer the question. It takes several shots of firewhiskey and a bit of a breakdown before she's ready to face reality.


James Potter and Lily Evans had skived off mid-rounds in order to find a quick midnight snack.

"Do you think the house elves get suspicious about all the missing food?" Lily asked, standing outside of the portrait hole as James tickled the pear in order to let them into the kitchens.

"Not at all," James said, slowly shaking his head back and forth. "They know the lads and I come down here. We've got a pretty solid ongoing agreement, actually."

"Of course you do," Lily said with a snort. As the portrait moved out of their way, Lily looped her arm through James's and the two strolled into the kitchen.

"Anything specific in mind?" Lily asked him, guiding James over to a panty.

"Something sweet," he said.

Lily grinned, standing up on her tip toes and placing a quick kiss against James's lips. "I think I can help with that."

James gave a forced smile, but then removed himself from Lily. "I'm going to grab milk," he mumbled.

Lily glanced at him over her shoulder as she started layering cookies onto a couple of plates. "James, what's wrong?"

"You know, Evans," he said, slogging himself over to the floor with two glasses of milk in hand, "I'm not sure what you want from me."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, quickly moving to join James on the floor. She passed him the plate she'd assembled for him, and she took a glass of milk from him.

"Well, you roll your eyes when I say the word romantic. You laugh when I ask you on a date. But you'll skive off rounds with me, and you'll get too touchy, and you'll snog me, but —"

"But, James, I've told you a million times that I'm not looking for a relationship."

"You are," he said gruffly, "just not with me." He didn't meet her eyes when he spoke; rather, he focused on crushing a cookie on the plate in front of him.

"How do you figure?" Lily asked. She took the opposite course of action, ignoring her food completely and giving James her full attention.

"Because you go on dates, Lils. You and Hobbs, and you and Joffrey, and you and —"

"Those aren't anything serious," Lily blurted. Her face was a violent shade of crimson. "Besides, how do you know about…" She trailed off for a moment and then said, "Remus shouldn't have told you those things. He knew it would upset you."

James shrugged. "Upset isn't the right word. I'm just confused."

Lily put her plate down on the ground. She drew her knees up, placed her head atop them, and then stared intently at him. "James Potter," she said, "do you really want to have this conversation right now?"

"I do," he consented.

"Despite the fact that we're in the middle of patrols —"

"I want to talk about it now," James reiterated.

Lily nodded. "Alright then. I can give you a long list of reasons why I'm not looking for a relationship with you. And for every reason I give, Marlene counters it gracefully."

James gave a reluctant grin. "I've always liked her."

"Yes, well, she's a big fan of you, too." Lily rolled her eyes. "If I say anything against you, she comes to your defense faster than I can finish my sentence."

"So then you must know _many_ of my positive qualities," James persisted.

"Endless," Lily said, meeting James's eyes and giving him a sultry sort of smile.

"None of that," he countered. "I want an actual conversation, Lils. Why won't you date me?"

"I need alcohol for this," Lily whined, standing from where she was on the floor. James watched her as she performed a quick summoning spell and a bottle of Ogden's flew into her hands. She grabbed a couple of measuring cups from the counter, deciding that they would work in place of shot glasses. She poured a shot for both her and James, and then reclaimed her seat.

"Lily, rounds —"

"It's rounds or this conversation, James. Your choice."

She passed the measuring cup over to him, and without a word, they both quickly threw the firewhiskey back.

"So explain to me, Lily."

She grimaced, but then started with, "We have nothing in common, James." His face twisted and she quickly continued, "You know what I mean."

"I really can assure you that I don't," James said sharply.

"Alright. Well. Blood status aside —"

"Are you serious?" James spit angrily. "We have been over this how many times, Lily? I don't give a flying Hippogriff about blood status. The fact that you bring it up every time we talk about dating is infuriating."

"I know, James. I know." She shook her head back and forth, and then picked up the bottle of firewhiskey to pour herself another shot. "You know, I don't bring it up as something to whine about. It's just going to be a lot of work to bridge the gap between who we are at home."

"This is an old argument," James said, grabbing the firewhiskey from Lily and pouring himself another shot. "What's your next point?"

"You stress me out, James."

James gave her an expectant look as he downed his next shot.

"Well, first off there's the fact that we have to be drinking in order to have this conversation."

James snorted at her, but then conceded, "I'll give you that." He grabbed a cookie from in front of him and prompted, "Go on."

Lily continued, although reluctantly. "I'm going to be a little, uh, candid here. Forgive me. I never know if you're going to be around. One day I can't shake you off, and then you disappear for days at a time. I can barely handle it as it is."

"If we were dating," James said, "I'd be more inclined to tell you what I was up to."

"You should be inclined to tell me as your friend," Lily said sharply.

"It's not typically about me," James replied. "If I'm gone for days at a time it's because I'm helping out someone else."

Lily paused, picked up one of the cookies she'd gotten before, and then seemed to ponder James as she chewed it slowly. The alcohol was beginning to make her feel a little loose lipped, but it surprised even her when she whined, "You can tell me when you head to the Shrieking Shack with Remus, or when you're hiding Sirius from his family, or when Peter drags you to a muggle football game. That's all stuff that your _friends_ know about. If you can't tell me now, why would you tell me as your girlfriend?"

As James answered, Lily threw back another shot. "Lily, I don't — I didn't realize you knew where I was going now. But it's exactly what you said! I'm going with the lads, and I always let you know what's going on if I'm not sworn to secrecy. If we were dating, they'd be more inclined to let you in on the secrets, too."

"Well that's another thing!" Lily exclaimed. "You've got this unhealthy relationship with your friends."

"It's called loyalty," James argued. "And it's —"

"I don't care," Lily said petulantly. "Remus is more honest with me about your friend group than you are."

"Well then date Remus," James snarled.

"That's not what I'm saying," Lily said, her voice breaking. "It's just — I feel like I'm on the outside a lot."

"Lily, I do everything I can."

"I know you do," she hiccupped quietly. "I'm being selfish. You listen to me cry about my stupid sister, and you pretend to care about muggle music, and you help me with my charms homework, and I… I _can't_ date you, James."

"I'm still not seeing the whole picture," James decided.

Lily was unable to look James in the eye as she said, "The whole picture, James Bloody Potter, is that you and your stupid face…"

"My stupid face _what_?" James prompted.

"Your stupid face makes me feel sick. Every time I see you smile, I get all tied up in knots." Lily looked like she was about to burst into tears. "I don't even know how this happened! One minute I wanted nothing to do with you, and the next I started having panic attacks when you'd been gone for too long. It doesn't matter if I know you've just gone home, or if you're off in the woods. I get nervous when you're not here. I can't date you because I'm already too attached, and you're too nice to me, and if something happens to you I'll _die_. I'll _die_ , James."

"That," James said seriously, shifting so that he could grab Lily's hand, "is the Ogden's talking, Evans. But that doesn't mean I'm not flattered to hear it."

Lily looked over to James and discerned a smile breaking across his face. She pouted and then smacked him in the chest, "I'm not messing around, James."

"I know you're not, Lily," he said, grabbing her hand where it was hovering in front of him. He gently smoothed her hair out of her face as he continued, "But you're worried over nothing. I'm always going to be getting into things, but I'm not doing anything too foolish. I'm safe. I'm going to keep being safe."

"You can't promise that, James. It's part of the problem. Your heart is too big, and it gets you into trouble."

"So is yours, Lily. You run around consoling people, sneaking into detentions, fighting battles that don't even belong to you, and embracing every struggle like it's your own personal crusade."

"James," Lily said, collapsing backwards against his chest, "don't do that."

"Don't do what?" he asked.

"Be nice to me. It makes this harder."

"I'm trying to make it easier," he countered. "Go out with me, Evans. We'll get into trouble _together_."

"But, James —"

"Think of the adventure, Lily! We'll be partners in crime. I worry about you, too, you know? But we'll both feel better knowing that we're at each other's side."

"You've had worse ideas," Lily said. She leaned her head back into the crook of James's shoulder. "But I'll tell you what. Let's start with a nap. We'll revisit in a few hours. Maybe if you're still here and you haven't run off with your friends, I'll consider."

"I'll be right here" James assured her, careening his neck to press a quick kiss against Lily's lips. "Safe and sound."

"Promise?" Lily requested.

"I promise," James confirmed. "I'll be here for you — now and forever."

"That sounds okay," Lily mused, closing her eyes as allowed her full body weight to fall against James.

"More than okay," he whispered in response. Lily was already drifting to sleep, allowing the words to echo unanswered in the silent night air.


End file.
